A narcissist, by definition, is someone (male or female) who includes you in their life to make themselves look and feel good to the world. Here's what you need to know about being in a relationship with a narcissist.
- Your outstanding qualities make them shine to their family, coworkers, and friends, making them feel great about themselves.
- Narcissists quickly come across as stable, charming, generous, and the answer to your dreams, but it's only a manipulation, a bait. It's not about you. It's never about your feelings, wants, needs, or desires. It's always about theirs, what they want, what they need, and what they desire. They may even study your habits before introducing themselves to control future events. Oh, life may seem intoxicating and beautiful at the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist until you realize something doesn't feel quite right. At that point, you may begin to ask your partner questions, which will not bode well with the narcissist. Feelings, particularly yours, don't matter to the narcissist. What matters is that you continue to make them the center of your universe and feed them what they need to feel good about themselves.
- Narcissism goes beyond just typical selfishness, arrogance, selfishness, and conceit. It is the inability to have any compassion for others. And you cannot teach a narcissist compassion. Being a good example will never change the narcissist. You will not win that battle. It will only drain what's left of your reserves and kill your self-esteem in the process. It may even make you incredibly ill. Once the narcissist begins to see or feel you're resisting their antics, your narcissistic mate will start to show a very nasty side. You may find they become physically abusive. It is the inability to have empathy or compassion for others unless it suits a personal purpose. In other words, they do not know how to love.
- Narcissists are void of empathy. What seems to be empathy is just a "learning" of what people with empathy care about. They fake empathy when it serves their purposes, but they have none themselves. If they did, they could not be narcissistic.
- To demand respect, attention, or appreciation from a narcissist is futile. If they believe you still add value to their lives, they might allow you a glimpse of the person you always thought they were for a short time to reel you back in. They may buy you something they know you want badly. They will likely try to bribe you to stay with them by producing something they know you need, such as food in the cupboard, paying a debt you owe, or providing long-awaited affection.
Emotional Warning Signs of Being in a Relationship with a Narcissist
- You often feel nervous or lonely (or like something is missing).
- You beat yourself up and feel guilty when you think about doing what you used to do that made you happy (visiting with loved ones, focusing on your career, working out, wearing makeup or nice clothes), which can leave you feeling depressed or tired. It isn't either one. It's oppression.
- Even when things are going well in your relationship, you can't stop the feeling that, at any minute, things will become bad again, and your world will come tumbling down. And it will. Narcissists automatically sense when you are too happy. Your happiness makes them feel vulnerable, as if they have lost the upper hand, and they will hurt you for it (one way or another). When you feel this way and are treated this way for any length of time, your self-esteem suffers terribly. You can begin to doubt yourself in ways you never have before.
- ​When your wish to resolve conflict isn't appreciated or respected, and your partner refuses to communicate in your relationship to resolve issues, you're likely involved with someone who is a narcissist or has narcissistic behaviors.
For more information about the differences between someone who is a "jerk" and a true narcissist, read this.
Fear, Abuse, Trauma & PTSD
People stay in adverse situations and abusive relationships out of fear, social and cultural reasons, and personal beliefs. Fear is a trauma-based emotion. Narcissists will know the exact moment their tactics have worked to make you reliant and codependent. They will see when you depend on them for your needs in life, even if this knowing is only perceived by you, which is usually the case. That's when they become intimidating (even threatening) to ensure the relationship balance remains this way. They begin to pick at your abilities, first with little negative comments (jabs at your esteem) and, later, even more aggressive comments or accusations. The narcissist will make you feel guilty over your thoughts, feelings, and action (damned if you do and damned if you don't). They may begin to use the silent treatment as a form of punishment. If they can't find an immediate fault, they will shame your appearance or something from your past (sometimes in public).
If you suffer a traumatic event, situation, or ongoing emotional, mental, or physical abuse, fear will significantly impact your health if you don't deal with it. If you have been the victim of trauma, no matter how old you were (or are now), you may not even know what it is like to live without fear. Or, you may not even remember what caused your fear in the first place. You may feel you need a therapist, but the narcissist will see this as a weakness when the truth is, they don't want you to pull yourself up. They want you to stay down so they can feel on top.
When you ignore relationship red flags and stay in a narcissistic relationship long-term, you'll likely develop more frequent or severe herpes breakouts when you live with the herpes virus. You can also develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We often associate PTSD with those who have survived a war or catastrophic events. However, survivors of child abuse, incest, rape, muggings, terrible accidents, or codependent relationships can also have PTSD.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse in relationships can come in many forms and involve boundary issues. Sexual abuse can also come from neglect (your emotional or physical needs aren't met), painful criticism, unrealistic expectations, or even rape. None of these are OK. You should never be forced to do something outside your comfort zone or be criticized or abused when you say no. And your need for intimacy (being emotionally and physically close to another) should never be abandoned or associated only with sex.
If you have been a victim of molestation or rape at any time in your life, you can find much-needed support from RAINN.
A narcissist will use your weaknesses, including any health problems, against you to shame or blame you. A narcissist may make crude comments or jokes about your condition in front of others intended to make you feel bad about yourself, which highly damages your self-esteem. If you've been the victim of this kind of taunting, please see Rebuilding Self-Esteem. If you're feeling suicidal, please call 911 or 988 or see Resources for support.
Add comment
Comments