The social stigma surrounding HSV is alive and well. No other virus is treated with as much prejudice as the herpes virus, so it can be intimidating to tell someone you have herpes.
Telling a potential new partner that you have herpes can be terrifying because there's no way to know how they will respond. The fear of being humiliated, rejected, or worse, can make you feel like quitting. Bringing up the subject can be scary, but it has to be done. Think of how you would feel if someone knew they had herpes and didn't tell you and you contracted it. Maybe this has happened to you already. It's illegal. Lawsuits are filed against those who purposely transmit the Herpes Simplex Virus to others. I mention this so that if you contracted HSV this way, you have the right to file a lawsuit against the person who gave it to you.
Long before ever having to tell someone you have herpes, you should study up on the subject so you can, at the very least, answer basic questions your partner might ask.
Let me say, straight away, that your potential partner has the right to decide to walk away if they want to after you tell them you have herpes. It's your job to educate them so they can determine if they wish to continue down the path you're both following. However, if someone does not accept you because you've contracted herpes, you are better off without them. You deserve to be with someone who takes you just as you are. Although it will be difficult to see past the rejection, you will find love again.
When telling someone you have herpes, avoid bringing up the subject like you are about to dump a nightmare on their shoulders. Don't say things like, "I have something terrible to tell you." or "You're going to be so upset with me when you hear what I have to say." No. You're just setting them up to see herpes as terrible and to be upset with you. It's better to be unemotional and direct, even if you are quaking in your shoes. Say something like, "I have something to tell you." Then say, "I have herpes." or "I've been diagnosed with herpes." Try to sound confident. If you can't find your voice, you might consider writing a letter and giving it to them or leaving it for them. However, it's best to speak face to face.
Choosing when you tell them is just as important as how you say it. Don't say anything too soon. If the relationship is so new that you are still determining if it will lead anywhere, there's no point in saying anything. On the other hand, if you both like each other and are already in the kissing stage, it's time to speak up. Who knows? Maybe your partner has herpes too.
Please don't call your partner and tell them at work, between classes, or in public settings. Whatever you do, don't tell them right before you have sex. And don't tell them in the car unless you're in the driver's seat in your vehicle. You don't want to end up walking home. Only tell someone you have herpes while doing something together that allows enough time for the information to sink in and for questions to be answered. Take a walk in a park or have a cozy dinner at home. Think about it. How would you want to be told?
If you take medication, say so. If natural remedies get you by, say so. If you've never given herpes to anyone, let them know this. If they aren't up to date on what having herpes entails, inform them you aren't sexually intimate when you feel a breakout coming on, so the chance of their contracting it is slim. Finish the conversation by telling your partner your reason for telling them is you wanted to be upfront with them.
Give your partner time to process. Allow them to go home and think about it if they need to. You might make an appointment together with your doctor to have questions answered. If they choose not to continue the relationship, there's nothing you can do to change things. Give them time, and they may change their mind.
Never stay with someone after you tell them you have herpes if you sense that they aren't sincere at any point. Sometimes, when people first meet and fall in love, the attraction can be so strong that it overrules all else. Your partner may change their mind once your relationship calms down and gets real. If they change their mind, they aren't the "ONE".
If you're struggling in your relationship, see Relationship Red Flags.
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